If you read my post, Adoption-An Answer for the Pain, I wrote about my feelings of failure. Failure as a woman, failure as a wife, failure as a christian because of questioning and blaming God for my inability to conceive or carry a child to term. By the time I miscarried my first child, I’d completely given up on myself and God.
Mercifully, He didn’t give up on me. Through His son, Jesus Christ, He continued to love me, to protect my heart and to forgive me. Hebrews 13:5 says, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” That’s God’s promise to us. He was still there, all the time, loving me in spite of my feelings about Him, my circumstances or myself.
Pain, mental or physical, shuts you down and gives you tunnel vision. All your focus is on the pain and the reasons for it. You ache for relief, and after a while, you’ll do anything to stop it. When I became a christian, I asked Jesus to forgive me and be my Lord and Savior. He did, and the Holy Spirit came to live inside me. There aren’t enough words to express how grateful I am for that. The Holy Spirit is our comforter, our teacher, our encourager, and so much more. It’s the Holy Spirit who accomplishes God’s purpose in our lives.
When you hear someone who has a true relationship with Jesus say,” God told me,” what they mean in almost all cases is they heard the Holy Spirit inside their spirit speak to them. I know, He speaks to me and I speak to Him.
I was a christian. . . an immature one, when I lost my first child after so many years of trying to conceive. But, after some time passed and I’d had a chance to grieve, the Holy Spirit applied His healing oil to my broken heart. At first, the unbearable weight of loss lifted enough for me to realize I would live through this and that realization freed my paralyzed spirit. Eventually, numbness dissolved, and feelings of abandonment by God disappeared. I’d wake in the night thinking about God and His love for me, and with that, hope, which I’d been certain had vanished from the earth, raised its beautiful face. I asked God for forgiveness, which He gave, but like the good Father that He is, He gave me so much more. He infused my heart with His love. Hope and faith in that love allowed me to rest, to finally let go and trust His good intentions towards me. With complete certainty, I knew God loved me and that He’d placed the desire in my heart to become a mother. He’d planned my life before He created me, just like He did for you.
I share this to tell you, God created you to have a personal relationship with Him. He will not stop pursuing you. He wants you to cry out to Him for help and hope. That is a prayer I guarantee He will answer. I will pray for you. See my contact page for info.
His love for us has no measure.
Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”