Hope-God Revealing His Heart To Us

If you read my post, Adoption-An Answer for the Pain, I wrote about my feelings of failure.  Failure as a woman, failure as a wife, failure as a christian because of questioning and blaming God for my inability to conceive or carry a child to term.  By the time I miscarried my first child, I’d completely given up on myself and God.

Mercifully, He didn’t give up on me.  Through His son, Jesus Christ, He continued to love me, to protect my heart and to forgive me. Hebrews 13:5 says, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” That’s God’s promise to us.  He was still there, all the time, loving me in spite of my feelings about Him, my circumstances or myself.

Pain, mental or physical, shuts you down and gives you tunnel vision.  All your focus is on the pain and the reasons for it.  You ache for relief, and after a while, you’ll do anything to stop it.  When I became a christian, I asked Jesus to forgive me and be my Lord and Savior.  He did, and the Holy Spirit came to live inside me.  There aren’t enough words to express how grateful I am for that.  The Holy Spirit is our comforter, our teacher, our encourager, and so much more. It’s the Holy Spirit who accomplishes God’s purpose in our lives.

When you hear someone who has a true relationship with Jesus say,” God told me,” what they mean in almost all cases is they heard the Holy Spirit inside their spirit speak to them.  I know, He speaks to me and I speak to Him.

I was a christian. . . an immature one, when I lost my first child after so many years of trying to conceive.  But, after some time passed and I’d had a chance to grieve, the Holy Spirit applied His healing oil to my broken heart.  At first, the unbearable weight of loss lifted enough for me to realize I would live through this and that realization freed my paralyzed spirit.  Eventually, numbness dissolved, and feelings of abandonment by God disappeared.  I’d wake in the night thinking about God and His love for me, and with that, hope, which I’d been certain had vanished from the earth, raised its beautiful face.  I asked God for forgiveness, which He gave, but like the good Father that He is, He gave me so much more.  He infused my heart with His love.  Hope and faith in that love allowed me to rest, to finally let go and trust His good intentions towards me.  With complete certainty, I knew God loved me and that He’d placed the desire in my heart to become a mother.  He’d planned my life before He created me, just like He did for you.

I share this to tell you, God created you to have a  personal relationship with Him.  He will not stop pursuing you.  He wants you to cry out to Him for help and hope.  That is a prayer I guarantee He will answer.  I will pray for you.  See my contact page for info.

His love for us has no measure.

Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”



Adoption-An Answer for the Pain

During my first miscarriage, I remember the bedroom walls breathed.  I heard this deep gasping sound.  I sat on the edge of the bed, void of sensation, certain I’d died.  The walls sagged in and out in a jerky, rhythmic motion. Minutes disguised themselves as hours. Then, I started to wail and realized the jagged breathing came from me, not the walls. I curled up in a fetal position hoping to stop the cramping, but nothing bridled the pain. My body mirrored the repeated stabbing in my heart and all I could do was hold on to my bedspread and cry.

When you’ve waited for a child, the endless months and years passing at tortoise speed while your arms remain empty are surreal.  My numb heart refused the slightest mention of hope.  In the early 1980’s, Nebraska adoption agencies reported 400 couples waiting for every white, healthy child relinquished for adoption.  Exhausted in spirit, mind and body, I couldn’t handle the thought of plowing a new field of adoption with myself, my husband or our families. I wondered daily if all of them had given up on me, because I had.

Most wee hours of the morning found me sitting on my front porch, bargaining with and questioning God.  Why me?  Why was it taking so long?  Why didn’t God answer my prayers?  I never stopped to think I couldn’t hear Him if He tried to tell me anything.  My prayers  were one-sided, accusing and brimming with self-pity. After I lost my baby, I gave up.  I couldn’t bear any further disappointment, and I was certain I’d be childless.

I don’t know how I knew I needed to, but I allowed myself to grieve.  So much loss. . . my child, my emotional stability, my life had ceased except for this endless quest of womanly fulfillment. Even though I knew it was a lie, I told God it didn’t matter anymore.

I craved peace.

God is patient.  He doesn’t give up even when we do, and for that, I give Him the praise and glory He deserves.  About six months after losing my child, I met a woman and her daughter she’d adopted from Korea.  The beautiful child stole my heart, and hope erupted inside me, again.  With God, what we often view as coincidence, are His definitive plans for our lives.  This precious woman told me about the agency she’d worked with: www.holtinternational.org.  Adoption was the answer I’d prayed for.  Even when I didn’t know it, God knew.  In His timing, He changed my life forever.

A week later, a letter arrived in the mail.  The woman I’d met sent two photos of her little girl and my husband had the opportunity to see her, too.  We didn’t take long to decide.  We applied with Holt, started the home-study process, and to make a very long story short, eleven months later we were a family of three!  God is awesome.  His love and concern for us and everything in our lives should renew your hope. He understands the ache in your heart to have a child, He put that desire inside you.  Trust Him.  Don’t give up.  Consider all the options.  Adoption is the gift of life.

If you’re pregnant and considering abortion, please read this post again.  God, the giver of life, has a plan for you and the child you carry.  His plan is life, not death.  Prayerfully consider adoption.  God has a family waiting to receive your gift.

Email or write me.  See my contact page.  Tell me your story.  I want to listen, to help, to pray.


Let’s Talk About Babies

Babies.  Like most women you grow up thinking you’ll have one, two or more someday.  It will be wonderful!  You’ll find the man of your dreams, marry, maybe have a career and then, when you’re ready, it will just happen, right?  You’ll get pregnant.  Become a mom and life will be great.

For many women it happens just like that!

But, not always.

Like many of you, I was one of the not always.  I married at twenty and we decided to have children right away.

It didn’t happen. Not for eight years.

Finally, after agonizing years of infertility routines I was pregnant, only to miscarry at three months. The pain of eight years of childlessness escalated to new heights with the realization my body betrayed me in the cruelest way.

I miscarried at home, sitting on the toilet. The gut wrenching emotions I dealt with were topped off by seeing my husband sitting alone on a little stool in the kitchen, his face buried in his hands, weeping.

I wanted to comfort him. I couldn’t. To this day I don’t know if he knew I saw him.  Seeing his pain was the dirt falling on my coffin lid.  I’d be buried under this, I just knew it.  I wanted to die, along with my child.

All I could say was WHY . . .

I didn’t know it then, but I would crawl out from under the pain.  I would smile and laugh again. I would embrace hope.

I believe with all my heart children are a gift from God.  Their arrival usually is not our time frame, (although sometimes it is).  Most of us operate with tunnel vision concerning events in our lives.  God has a plan for each of us and it begins with Him, our creator, deciding when we appear on the earth via our mother’s womb.

I want to hear your story.  Would you share it with me?  Let me pray for you now.

Father God, touch everyone who reads this post with your hand of mercy, love and forgiveness.  We sure need it.  Let them see that you are the God of hope and healing.  You care about everything we care about and You see the WHOLE picture of our lives.  Help us step out of our tunnel and soak in the light of Your love for us and our children.


Thanks for reading.